I've been realizing a trend in myself for a while now. A dislike for the cutting corners that goes on in the name of simplicity. A love of the order created when people take the time to clarify. Take the time, in other words, to recognize the complexities of pretty much any situation they are in.
Especially when talking to someone I don't know, much of my anxiety stems from the vast expanses of unknowability that can lead to countless misunderstandings. I don't know your language. I don't know the emotional triggers. I don't know the intellectual hot spots that really make you tick. This can make social situations feel like a field full of bombs just waiting for bumbling fools like me to step into them.
People seem almost dogmatically to avoid directness. People like to play games with me. Why does manipulation seem so much more attractive than forthrightness? Because we are, most of us, cowards.
We'd rather sense out where the bombs are through careful exploration than risk asking for a map. We'd rather assume people should be able to read where our bombs are, after all aren't the big signs clear enough, than to help someone else find the way.
One problem is that many of us can't read the signs. Another problem is that often those who know the signs are there can spot them, whereas they don't seem so large to people who don't know us.
I've often been accused of being manipulative. Most of us are to some extent. But as for me, I am trying to explain myself. I am searching for clarity wherever possible.
I realize that there aren't as many bombs as I fear there are. But I will be much more comfortable if you are open with me. Trust me. As a kid. There were a lot of bombs, & I stepped on them a lot. And the result was quite literally an explosion of rage. I am still recovering from this. Quite possibly I will always be.
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