But to begin, at one sort of a beginning, I must begin with some sad news. Though I consider myself to be a loyal person within reason, I have discovered that even I can be pushed too far.
I am accused of not knowing much about hobgoblins, and this I am freely willing to admit. These posts are about discovery for me, and self-discovery through discoveries. That is why I feel so free with this new blog. If I had meant to appear an expert about hobgoblins, I would have read more about them than wikipedia had to offer, and I would not have admitted that all of my knowledge came from that source.
The purpose of my previous blog originally constituted subjects I am an expert in: whining, complaining, and venting. The hope was that this would get me through a rough time.
Thankfully I did get through that rough time, and with its original purpose gone my old blog began to search around for its purpose. It became burdened down by skepticism, and by a desire on my part and sometimes others' that I be an expert about what I dared put forward as important. At one point, a "friend" of mine, did a lot to shake my enjoyment of my blog.
This "friend" took one of my posts very personally, and was somewhat hurt by it. I view this post as one of self-empowerment, and see much of what this friend did throughout our friendship as counteracting any possible self-empowerment. I would be lying if I said that he probably had nothing to do with my making this post. Since he was someone who, I felt, threatened my sense of self and self-worth around every corner, I am sure that images pertaining to him were lively in my conscious and sub-conscious as I posted this post.
Here is a link to that post, though I consider it old and past its prime, I feel it would be unfair on some level not to include it since I am referring to it so frequently here.
One of the main issues I had with this man, is that he was rapidly and daily choosing symbols for me that I felt no relation to at all. I am not, and rarely have identified with, the moon. Likewise, I am primarily Irish in heritage and everything else is really a Scandinavian mix, yet he insisted on identifying me with my Danish heritage at the expense of ignoring all the rest. This post was my attempt to choose my own image, the symbol I think I needed to identify with to progress at that time.
His response was to angrily identify with deer, and profess how strong and majestic they are. A fact I am well aware of, but which I doubt the lions give two thoughts to.
I think primarily that is what he does. He identifies with symbols. I think we all do to some extent, but he takes it to what I find an obnoxious extreme. Moreover, I believe there is a way to identify with a symbol that brings more truth about you to the surface, and I believe there is a way to identify with a symbol which treats it as something to hide behind. Of course I believe he does the latter. But if this was our only issue, I assure you I once found him a fascinating enough individual that it would not have stood in our way.
He instead chose to take my words out of context and turn his friends, all or most of whom had never met me, against me. For the record, no matter how much insanity I am willing to admit to, I think by any reasonable definition of insanity he would be considered more insane than I.
Then he did what I found most hurtful and unforgivable. He took my whole post and posted it on his online journal. I consider this complete blasphemy. No post should be viewed outside of the context of its original author's intent, if at all possible. And in this case, since my blog is a public blog, a link would have sufficed. If you bring a post into a context it was never meant to be in, and represent it through your own narrow lens to an audience that was never meant to be the primary audience, then I think you have committed a foul deed. Basically I accuse him of obscuring the truth, a thing that I feel, despite his paradoxical brilliance, he did at every turn.
Part of the problem is that I have my blogs automatically imported to facebook. I do this with the hope that more people will be aware that I post, and so that it will be perhaps easier and more compact to read my posts. However, this makes my posts feel less anonymous. I take them very personally, regardless, but even the pretext of anonymity that blogspot allows me serves as a safety blanket. And, too, facebook does take them out of their original context and exposes them to a somewhat wider audience.
From the beginning I have found some people to be strongly supportive of my blogs. Aside from that I have also always enjoyed the writing for its own sake.
I realized recently that blogging, for me, has always been about self-discovery. I learn things about myself, through this medium, that no other medium has to offer. And it was that morning that I also woke up realizing I no longer am an official student at any school. I no longer (at least temporarily) have someone other than my self to officially tell me when to do things, or how well I did at them.
This new blog was conceived as my own playground of "random half-thoughts" with the hope that these half-thoughts will be developed toward my own education. Selfish, I know, but if others can get something out of this too, and I think they can, then there is a strong unselfish side to it too, hopefully.
But already my previous nemesis was at it again, spreading doubts through my mind. Though I have rarely "un-friended" someone before, it was past time to do so. Even the interesting allure he had once held over me was considerably dimmed by this time. Anyone who cannot see that Emerson's real house and true grave are in his words and his ideas, anyone who curses a Earth that is so big and beautiful and cares not a fig for his poison, anyone who offers nothing in the way of support for months and months if not years and then comes in with this kind of negative mumbo jumbo, I find that there is nowhere in my heart for this one-time-friend.
It is a milestone in self-preservation that I realize this without guilt, and have taken measures to protect myself from psychosis guised as creativity.
All this to say. If you have questions, if you want to offer wisdom in the face of my ignorance, please do so. But please, I want to reassure you, that no expectation of consistency or expertness can be happily hoped for from this blog.
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