Role Models and Growth

So. I've been thinking a lot about role models. I think growing up I only looked up to Big Bird, Cookie Monster, Widget the World Watcher and the Spice Girls. There might have been a few more in there, but nothing significant. It didn't occur to me until about a year ago that I don't really seem to have any role models. I mean, everyone has role models, right? It's just one of those things.

This ties into the second point I want to make here. Nobody is good enough for me. I'm not good enough for me, you're not good enough for me, and Jesus isn't good enough for me. What's up with that? I mean, good enough to like maybe. I am really good at liking people. I like most people. But... good enough to look up to? I think not.

I think part of this is I have always been a backward sort of looking person. I am bent on staying true to my original self and who she wanted to be.

Another issue I have been tackling this last week: exactly what do I not like about myself? This is a tough one. If I answer... "oh nothing I just want to get better in the areas I am feeling positive about" then I am left feeling like I am not doing quite enough toward self-improvement. However, if I start to find my flaws I am overwhelmed by them, and once I start finding the flaws I always keep finding flaws, until even the positive areas are so mixed up with the negative ones that they seem ruined for me.

But. I did my self-improvement homework, and I tried to come up with some role models this last year. This is not nearly a comprehensive list of what I've come up with, but these are the main ones I find myself coming back to again and again.

First there are intellectual role models: Nietzsche, C.S. Lewis, Kafka, and Gertrude Stein.

Then there are super hero role models: Batman and Wonder Woman primarily. Throw in Bettie Paige, she's a super hero, right?

Third there are my life models: Shannon Callan, Bob's Parents, My Grandma.

It's hard to say what all these people have in common. I think it is a passion for life and an eye for beauty. They are strong sorts of people in very different ways. They are intense, but not intense for the sake of intensity. Intense because that is who they are. Some of these people are downright quiet in their intensity, but it's still there.

In fact, most of my friends I would say are intense people.

However, I have established that intensity in and of itself is a faulty goal. I have a feeling I am already intense, and trying to be intense only leads to tension.

I think really it is in the application of intensity toward beauty and well-being that my future lies. Sometimes I am so much like who I want to be that I can almost taste it. But then, being more passionate, getting involved in the world, has its tough times too. There is rejection, fear of rejection, and general misunderstanding to be tackled.