Progress Report

Or how I stopped worrying about being cheesy and broke something inside...

I went to an amazing party this weekend. My dear friends Ruby and Marc always throw the best parties. I don't know how they do it, other than with magic. Believe me, I've tried analyzing it, finding patterns because I am good at that; but in the end really Marc&Ruby hold up their parties, because the parties aren't the ones making Ruby&Marc look good (edit because I realized upon rereading that this makes the parties sound bad. I just mean there is a lot of planning that goes on for parties, but in the end it's the people who matter). Here's me gushing... some more.

I can't help it. There is so much beauty in the world, but there is also a considerable amount of mundane. Or at the least, a goodly amount of beauty shabbed over by mundanity. The beauty that some people bring into the world, makes my throat catch and I just want to cry. I love it so much. I love them so much. Isn't it divine for a little while to be more in awe than my usual anxiety&angst allow me to be?

As much as this post is about bragging about my friends, it is also meant to give me some credit where credit is due. It's not that I think I've necessarily become a fantastic conversationalist, or an ideal party guest, but I've come so far in a year. I've come so far in ways I don't know if anyone else can tell. Maybe they can. But for the record, inside I am so much more calm in groups than I've ever been for years. It's not just the first time I've been able to truly enjoy myself, but it's also the least anxious and uncomfortable I have ever allowed myself to be around others.

Not only that, but the one point in the party when I did get overwhelmed I did the right thing. I took care of myself and others. I removed myself from the situation, comforted myself, calmed down, and then took a brave step and reentered the room.

Don't worry guys. It's not that you're scary. For most of you I just feel like I am trying to live up to how amazing you are. Then there were new people, people I'd never met at the party, those are the hardest for me to keep my cool around. Then there were old people, people I haven't talked to in five years, those are stressful for me in a whole other way. I feel abandoned by them, and I feel like they have all these misconceptions of me due to their uncanny ability to ignore five years and still think I must be the person they talked to back then. I think it was the torque from the two different kinds of stress that made me need a break.

This is a large milestone screaming to have its picture taken.

So I did. I took hundreds of pictures of this party.

I feel so revived and revitalized. This is what a good party does to me.

(Picture is of Ruby's luscious fabrics, and shiny bells!)