We've talked things over, me and him. While I am not planning to stop my job search all together, I am planning on pursuing my main career for a while. Poetry. And if anyone thinks poetry is an easy job, or wants to tell me all about how a poet should also be a capitalist, I will definitely see that as more of a reflection of you than anything to do with my life.
It is not a decision that comes easily. I actually desire the sort of structure a job provides. The way you are constantly being reviewed and told whether you are doing well or not. And Lord knows, I love buying things with my own hard-earned cash, or ferreting that money away into my hoard. So it is not the easy decision for me, and it is not a set-in-stone type of decision, and it is by no means whatsoever a permanent decision. I may change my mind in a week or two.
But for now, I am through with being between jobs. The relatively lackadaisical approach is not for me. I am a hard worker. I know more people would recognize that if I brought in the dollars, but dollars or no I am working hard. And I intend to work harder. I've been doing well at my current entry-level job and it's time to step it up a notch.
The thing is, I realize it's not an either/or situation. I can get a second job later. I can completely ignore this job later. But sooner or later writing is my talent, and it would be a waste of life not to treat it as such.
So's I've got goals now. My own deadlines. My own production quotas. And maybe poetry won't bring in the bucks, but it is still a noble profession inside and out.
I am blessed right now with this opportunity. Looking for jobs has landed me nowhere but confused as to where I fit in. Which is not to say I am giving up on the end, I am just focusing elsewhere.
I am blessed because we really don't need the extra dollars at this juncture. I am young and I have an amazing husband. I am blessed to be allowed to devote hours upon hours every day to my craft. But I'll never devote those hours if I don't focus and take it seriously as my life's calling. My husband takes it seriously; he sees my potential.
I had the strength to admit to my parents last night that my main focus is not a job right now. And now I am a whole mess of conflicting emotions. I hate to disappoint them. I hate it. But since when did parents begin to want their children to make money rather than getting out there and living their dreams.
Sure we've got to have money in this society, but how much money we make is not at all reflective, in my own opinion, of how much we have contributed.
So I have a bit of a surfer, beach bum, hippie, monk, nun mentality. I think some people in this world need to be happy and peaceful and devote huge amounts of time to poetry. I don't think that necessarily excludes them, or me, from getting a job. But that does lead me to think that a job should not be the focus. That opportunities should be picked based off of how closely they fit into the fabric of my devotion not off of whatever I can get or whatever gets me the most money.
So there you go. I am a lazy bum. And I'm fine with that. I would rather I was accepted by you. But if I am not, I can handle that now. I want to live a life of simplicity and beauty, and unfortunately no job I have found, to date, lines up with that. I am also a house wife, and I am spoiled, and I am lucky. That's no reason to spurn that luck.
I'll admit. I don't know if I am making the "right" decision. That may account for the all-over-ness of this post. But I know I am not making a permanent choice. I am making a choice for today. I am living one day at a time.
No comments:
Post a Comment